


tell me how to love

by MayWilder



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Finn deserves the goddamn world, Fluff, Found Family, Friendship, Gen, M/M, Stormpilot, soft finn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-30
Updated: 2019-12-30
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:14:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22033882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MayWilder/pseuds/MayWilder
Summary: Finn knows that romantic love might not to be the same for everybody, or that some people might not feel it at all. What he does know, though, is that Alex is right. Poe is all kinds of love; the comfort and steadiness of Kaydel, the uniqueness of Rey, the camaraderie of his unit, the family that Snap makes himself. It's all of that, tied into some blazing kind of want and the simple fact that with Poe is where Finn wants to be at the end of the day—at the end of every day."Poe." He licks his lips nervously. "Poe, I love you."
Relationships: Finn & Rey (Star Wars), Finn & Temmin "Snap" Wexley, Poe Dameron/Finn
Comments: 36
Kudos: 288





	tell me how to love

**Author's Note:**

> Kleran is a made up planet, obviously. And, uh, Poe and Finn are gay. Fuck Disney.

"In the First Order, human emotions are conditioned out of human bodies. If it isn't about discipline, weapons, cleanliness, obedience, the importance of structure and routine...it doesn’t really have any weight for stormtroopers. They exist for rules and order, both in obeying and enforcing. Anything a stormtrooper feels beyond that needs to be wiped away."

“What about camaraderie?” 

"Um." Finn looks up from his notes. Across the table sits Alex, her massive head of curls in a frizz she's always trying to brush away. "You know, brotherhood would mean that there's something in the way of loyalty to the First Order. So all that was out."

Alex looks horrified, while Razel snorts. They awkwardly pat Alex's hand. "I know, dearest, your romantic heart."

Finn gives a nervous chuckle. When Taya and Nel start giggling, he realizes he's missing something. 

"It's just…" Alex sputters for a moment. "You were raised with no love?"

"It's the First Order, Al," Taya shrugs. "What were you expecting?" 

"I know they're asses, okay? You weren't the only one to lose someone on Hosnian Prime."

Taya looks sour. 

"Sorry." Alex cringes. "But my point is despite how terrible they are, I can't believe there's an entire order of people who don't understand love. Wouldn't that make you some kind of robot?"

Finn feels stricken. "Yeah, I suppose it does."

"Oh god." Alex covers her face and sinks into her chair. "Oh my god, Finn."

"It's fine," he rushes to let her know, but Taya cuts him off by resting her hand over is. He looks down at it, pleased and surprised. People don't normally react well to being touched, and Finn has learned to tone it down since joining the resistance and especially since joining an intelligence team. But here, Taya's dark eyes are comforting and she squeezes his hand reassuringly. 

"We're a unit," she says softly. "And it's not fine, even if Alex didn't mean it that way. We don't think you're a robot, Finn."

"To be honest," he admits. "I don't know what I am."

"You're a _person_ ," Alex says fiercely. Those green eyes, always blazing, are wide and determined. "And if you don't know how to be one, we can help you figure it out." 

Later, Finn stares at the ceiling, hands behind his head. He's supposed to be reading a brief for his upcoming mission with Taya and Razel, getting to know everything he can about the current climate on Cloud City, but he just—he can't stop thinking about love. He doesn't understand it, right? So even if he's still a person, even if he's not some robot, what does it make him if he doesn't understand love? 

_I can't believe there's an entire order of people who don't understand love._

What interests Finn is that Alex had jumped from camaraderie to love. Did brotherhood mean love? And is it different than the love Han had for General Organa? Or different from the way Poe says he loves his x-wing? Surely you can't love your wife the same way you love a ship. Surely not. 

A knocking comes on his door, and he's startled from his thoughts. He rises from the bed and unlocks it, surprised to see Alex herself standing in his doorway. 

"Hi," she says. Her hands are twisting together. "Can I come in?"

"Um, yeah, sure." Finn motions toward his room. "Poe's not coming back until tomorrow afternoon, so it's just me. Is everything okay?"

"No," Alex sighs. When Finn's eyes widen, she raises her hands in alarm. "No, no! I just mean. I hated that I said something so careless earlier. When I was talking about love, you know?"

"Oh, yeah," Finn shrugs as if he wasn't obsessing over it moments ago. "I told you, it's okay."

"I just." Alex plops down on Poe's empty bed bed. "Finn, I know you haven't been with us long, but you're part of this family. And family don't say things to each other to purposefully hurt, at least good family. So I need you to know that I didn't mean to imply you're some kind of robot. If anything, realizing what your childhood must have been like hurts my heart."

Finn doesn't completely understand the phrase. 

"Like, _okay_ —I care about you. I want you to be happy because you're my family, my team. And I would never want you to have been in pain. Even though I can't change what happened to you, I can't help that it hurts me to think of little Finn so lonely and unloved, when you're one of the best people at _showing_ love!"

"I am?" Finn wonders at that. "But how do you know?"

"Well, you're so considerate of the people in your life, I guess," Alex says. She blows a strand of curls away from her eyes. "You pay attention to what we all need and you think about how stuff affects us before thinking about how it affects you. You sacrifice for us, on missions and in little ways. Like when we were training? And you gave Nel the rest of your water because she ran out, even though you didn't have any until we got back to base?" 

"I didn't want her to be dehydrated," Finn recalls. "Because I've seen what it can be like when you get really dehydrated, and I know the pain. I didn't want her experiencing that." 

Alex grins. "Because you care about her, right?" 

Finn nods, but there's something bothering him. "You guys said you would help me figure things out, right?"

"Absolutely," she answers in a beat. "Whatever you need help with."

"Right." He paces back and forth a few times before organizing his thoughts enough to say "Can you use the word love for different people? In different ways?"

"Yeah, definitely," Alex shrugs. "I love you and Taya and Razel and Nel, but not like I love Percy."

"But it's the same word," Finn insists. "How is it different?"

Alex bites her lip, tilting her head to the side. "In some ways, it's the same. I would die for you all. I care about your happiness and safety and well-being, all of you. But Percy is...Percy is my _husband_. He's who, at the end of the day, I want to be snuggled up in bed with. Who I trust more than anyone, who I'm attracted to but also who I'm choosing to be with until I die. He's kind of...every aspect of love, I guess. Familial and friendly and romantic."

"How do you know the difference?" Finn presses. He thinks about Rey and Rose, about Poe, about his new team. "How do you quantify it?"

Here, Alex's shoulders droop and a dreamy look crosses her face. "You don't, Finn. You just know."

The thing is, that's entirely _unhelpful._

**)-(**

He can't help it. 

The next day, he's overthinking everything. 

When Finn eats breakfast with Kaydel the next morning, he forgets his spoon for his porridge. He's about to go get one when she grabs a spare one from her tray and slides it over to him. 

"What?" Finn laughs. "How did you know?"

"If it requires a utensil, you always forget said utensil," Kaydel smirks. "Every morning, it never fails. I've started grabbing them for you. Normally I can sneak it onto your plate before you notice anything."

Finn narrows his eyes. "Why am I the one who's on the intelligence unit again?"

"Because I'm the best navigator and weapons specialist, so I'm in high demand."

"Fair enough," he acquiesces. Finn takes the spoon and goes for his first bite. "Hey, Kay?"

"What is up, sir?"

"Do you get spoons for me because you love me?"

Kaydel chokes on her fruit and has to smack her chest. "Okay, _do not_ let Dameron believe I love you. Why would you think that?"

"Well, Alex says love is about being considerate and paying attention and doing things to show you care," Finn explains. Embarrassment colors his cheeks and he looks down. "I'm just trying to understand it, I guess. Being allowed to explore this kind of stuff is really new for me."

Kaydel, who is normally not very emotional, looks like she might give him a genuine smile. "Awe, Finn. I thought you meant romantic, so I was confused. Yeah, I guess I do love you."

"Cool," Finn says. He thinks about how Kaydel and he have gotten close, how she joins his nights with Rey to spend time together, and how the three of them are developing their own secret language. She's become part of his life routine, and he can't imagine her without it. "I love you too, Kay."

She starts to give him that smile, but rolls her eyes instead. "Whatever. Eat some berries."

**)-(**

"Rey!" 

The Jedi in training stops from where she's boxing with Razel and beams. There's a special contentment in his chest when he realizes that she kind of only smiles at him like that. Actually, there's a whole host of things Rey only does around Finn; smiling, holding hands, sleeping because she feels safe, and talking about her feelings—all only with Finn. 

"I love you," Finn says immediately. "I don't think I totally understand it right now, but I'm pretty sure I love you. You're my best friend in the whole world. Any world."

Rey's smile gets wider, even as her forehead crinkles. "If I'm getting it right, I think I love you too. You're my...preferred human, honestly, above everyone else."

Finn walks away feeling light. 

**)-(**

Poe and Black Squadron return around the time that Finn leaves a meeting with his unit. The sight of Poe in an orange flightsuit, rolled down to his hips, a smudged with grease and grime, makes something odd unfold in Finn's chest. He remembers seeing a butterfly on D'Qar and thinks it must be similar to that fluttering feeling, except all over his lungs. 

Then Poe is whisked away by the general, and Snap is in Finn's view instead. 

"Finn!" the pilot is grinning, grabbing Finn by the shoulders. "Good to see you, man!"

"You too," Finn answers. Although he isn't Poe, Finn genuinely is pleased to see the man who stood up for him in front of everyone and proclaimed his trust in the ex-stormtrooper. Everyone thought Poe was just biased, but Snap? Snap was born during the Rebellion. Snaps mother and stepfather are rebellion legends, and he himself is a hero of the Resistance. His word carries so much weight that everyone trusted Finn a little bit more, just because Snap did. 

"How are you settling in to the team?" Snap asks. "First mission go well? We've been gone for so long—"

"Yeah," Finn tells him. "Training was hard, first mission a shocking success, and the team is great. Not exactly what I expected out of spies, but you know."

"Talking about Alex? Yeah, weird that she's the most seasoned spy. What gets you the most is the—

"Rambling!" Finn finishes with him. They chuckle together before Snap's face lights up. "Oh, shit! I forgot, I picked something up for you." 

Snap keeps talking while searching his pockets. "I was on Kleron and I saw this symbol you're always tracing and sketching and everything. A woman in the market was wearing it, and she said it's from an old religion native to their system. I thought it might help you find where you came from, or give you something, I don't know."

Out of his back pocket Snap presents a silver chain with a triangular emblem on the end. It's lined with silver and blue, and—just as Snap says—is identical to the figure Finn is always drawing. He's never known where in his mind it's come from. He does know, that since he's not been sent to reconditioning every month, he's remembering more and more. 

And this—this is _huge._

"Snap," Finn whispers. "This is...I can't believe you did this. That you paid this much attention."

"Of course, man," Snap tells him. "It's important to you, it's important to me."

Finn closes his palm around the emblem. "Snap, I love you, man." 

Snap tilts his head to the side, considering, before opening his arms. Finn takes the embrace gladly, wrapping his arms around the older man and enjoying the affection Snap gives.

"Love you too, Finn," Snap tells him gruffly. "And we'll find your family, okay?"

Finn doesn't tell him that he already has. 

**)-(**

When Poe stumbles into their quarters, Finn feels at ease. There's always something wrong with how Finn's world feels when Poe isn't around; he's off balance, like a pinky toe is missing. But then Poe comes back from a mission and things shift, right themselves. He and Poe, they're meant to exist in the same space. Finn knows it sounds ridiculous. It's _just_. Since they've met, anything else isn't right. 

"Finn," Poe smiles, exhausted but pleased. "Tell me everything."

"I will when you've rested," Finn challenges. "Why don't you go shower and I'll get you some food, okay?"

"Nah, I'm good," Poe argues. He kicks off his shoes and makes his way to Finn's bunk. "I cleaned up and ate earlier, between meetings. I wanna hear about your mission to Ryloth and all the things you've learned." 

Finn doesn't answer immediately. He waits as Poe collapses on the thin mattress next to him, head pressed to Finn's knee as he looks at the reports Finn's been supposed to be studying. His hair is cleaner, and the impulse to touch is too strong to ignore. Even more appealing than soft curls beneath his fingers is how Poe melts, eyes drifting shut and lips parting in a soft sigh. 

"Fuck, I missed that too," Poe hums. "You're too nice to me, Finn."

Finn nearly can't breathe with how his fingertips and toes suddenly tingle at the simple, domestic action that brings them closer together. 

_"In some ways, it's the same. I would die for you all. I care about your happiness and safety and well-being, all of you. But Percy is...Percy is my husband. He's who, at the end of the day, I want to be snuggled up in bed with. Who I trust more than anyone, who I'm attracted to but also who I'm choosing to be with until I die. He's kind of...every aspect of love, I guess. Familial and friendly and romantic."_

Finn knows that romantic love might not to be the same for everybody, or that some people might not feel it at all. What he does know, though, is that Alex is right. Poe is all kinds of love; the comfort and steadiness of Kaydel, the uniqueness of Rey, the camaraderie of his unit, the family that Snap makes himself. It's all of that, tied into some blazing kind of want and the simple fact that with Poe is where Finn wants to be at the end of the day—at the end of every day. 

"Poe." He licks his lips nervously. "Poe, I love you."

Poe's eyes open, and his lips fall slightly farther apart. "What?"

God, his gaze is _warm_ and _trusting_ and _hopeful._

"I love you," Finn says. "And not like I love other people, because I do...love other people, I mean. But you're different. You're everything. Well, every kind of love, if that makes sense? I don't know, buddy, I just know that I love you." 

Poe doesn't sit up; he doesn't reach for Finn, or do that thing where he bites his lip and gives Finn the look that makes him shiver. Instead, he settles more comfortably into the bed, head adjusting so it's more on Finn's thigh, and closes his eyes again. 

"I love you, Trooper," the pilot whispers. "In every way I know how."


End file.
